


What I Have Lost

by amanounmei



Category: Slayers (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-24 07:36:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanounmei/pseuds/amanounmei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zelgadis lost more than just his humanity. But there is a way for him to regain at least part of his old life, but for that, he will need help.</p>
<p>(Alternate Universe, warning: hermaphrodite inside.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Have Lost

Things were not alright. Not for Zelgadis. He watched his beloved wave him goodbye as he once again left Seyruun on his own, private quest. The city seemed very gloomy as he departed, but that must have been only his impression. The people's goodbye was much more than he could have hoped for; in fact, he was given a horse, a magnificent white steed, possibly as a request from Amelia herself. He was, after all, her knight in shining armour even though he did not wear actual armour. But the white stallion added to the image nonetheless. And, as he realized thanks to city folk that presented him with small gifts on his way out, they really did care for him. It was not much, some food to keep him going a few days, a blanket from an old lady, and someone even handed him a satchel. And while he had no real trouble accepting all those little tokens of their appreciation, he could not take the money. Even despite that, all those gestures of good will, all those smiles, made him feel really welcome, really appreciated even outside the royal court.

Right when he was about to leave and probably never return.

He had his reasons. Reasons of which he never spoke. He could not stay even though Prince Philionel expressed that he does not mind a chimera as a son-in-law and, as consequence, the heir to his throne. And while Zelgadis really wanted that, while he needed true love and a place to call home, there were all those things preventing him from doing so.

Somewhat ironically, it was not about his body. Not the part everyone thought of, anyway. He hated being a chimera, he loathed his stone appearance, but slowly, gradually, that hatred subsided. There was much more to him than met the eye. And now, as he rode away, all those thoughts forced themselves into his brain and would not cease to shout, forcing him to ponder as there was nothing that could derail that train of thought.

He was different even before Rezo changed him. He was born different. It was one of those things that happen to other people. Zelgadis appeared male, and male he felt, but that was not all there was to it. He was born with female reproductive organs as well; a hermaphrodite by all definitions, a trait which Rezo found quite fascinating. Fortunately, his parents made sure to raise him so that he does not mind it. He learned how to live with himself; after all, while it was rare, it was also more or less natural. The thing he was worried about was the reaction of people. Fearing rejection and ridicule, a fear that was always with him, before or after he became a chimera, he hid it as well as he could. What, in fact, was not really that difficult. Wearing his underwear in public baths was usually enough.

But there were some people that knew outside his family. Firstly, those he worked with under Rezo, including his two good friends, Rodimus and Zolf. They found out by accident, once, when Zelgadis got wounded in combat. They did not mind, just like later, when they accepted his new form. His gratitude for their support let him loosen up a little; he was not so stressed around them, and very soon he finally began noticing his own needs. Needs that focused on none other than Zolf, a man who was much his elder, and yet seemed so handsome, kind, so fascinating. What came as a surprise was that this attraction was not really one-sided. Zelgadis had many fond memories of that relationship, even though it ended suddenly and with blood.

After that tragic day he had a hard time putting himself back together, and would probably never be whole if not for Lina Inverse and her little party. They became so dear to him that it really hurt each time he took off on his own. He was really thankful that fate kept bringing them back together, and he hoped that this time would not be any different. Gourry was the only person right now who knew of his condition – which, in conjunction to him being a chimera, was unique in all possible ways. And while Gourry was kind enough to accept him for what he was, he was likely too stupid to understand what being a hermaphrodite actually means.

One of the things it meant was the main reason why he could not stay in Seyruun. Amelia might have understood, or at least accepted it, but he sincerely doubted Philionel's tolerance reached that far. Back in the day, when he was still happy in the protective embrace of Zolf, a miracle happened. At least he thought of it as a miracle, since it seemed just so improbable he could not find any other explanation. Rezo was certain the blow demon part of him slowed down his ageing considerably, too, so there was just no way...

He conceived. One day, suddenly, he found himself carrying his lover's child. Utter shock and confusion was followed with what could be described only as joy. It seemed out of place. Men did not carry. But he was not fully a man, and it just seemed right. He was in love, so all was fine. Well, most of it, anyway. He feared for what Rezo might do to his child, so he kept it secret. He defected at one point, indirectly thanks to Lina Inverse, and once Zolf followed, he was almost ready to tell him.

But the world would not let him. When the two lovers were reunited, they hardly had time for themselves. The clock was ticking mercilessly, and in a matter of hours – no, minutes, seconds, Zolf was gone. The world crumbled around Zelgadis and the only thing that kept him going was adrenaline and rejection. He did not want to believe it, the message did not sink and only thanks to that his head was clear enough for the battle with Shabranigdo's fragment. And that was when the worst part of this story took place.

A few days after he parted ways with Lina and Gourry the not so new news of his lover's death finally began to register themselves in his mind. But his grief was soon to become depression as he realized what else has the demon lord taken from him.

He had lost the child.

It hurt. He could have said that the pain was greater than he could ever imagine, or that it was sheer, indescribable agony. But it just hurt. Pain was pain, and he could not care about such petty things as describing it. His baby was gone, and there was no one there for him to try and help. He had spent some time crying into his own sleeve, having no shoulder to weep on, and he was not even certain how long it had been. Hours? Days? He had no idea.

But what he knew was that he got fed up with it soon enough. It seemed ridiculous how much pain accumulated in his life, and something kicked him in the back of his mind, saying it is high time he does something about it. Perhaps it was just another defence mechanism, a way for his subconscious to protect him from falling apart. Whatever it was, it seems to have worked. Zelgadis stood up and focused on the second worst thing that happened to him, and devoted what little he had left to fixing it. He pursued a cure for his body.

With the philosopher's stone gone, it took some research and thinking, but he found the first of many trails towards knowledge and artefacts that could have helped. And that was also the first of many times when the trail led him straight back to his old friends and their new companion, princess Amelia. The fateful day when something in him cracked, and over time they made him almost a new man. Open, friendly, smiling. They helped him find traits of himself he thought long gone.

Now that he was nearly certain that there really is no cure for his body, there was only one more thing in him that needed fixing.

And once again, it would be up to Lina and Gourry to do it.

 

There was just one problem this grand plan of his. Zelgadis had no real idea where he was going. He really wished it was as simple as following the trail of explosions and razed bandit camps, but things were never so easy. Fortunately, the two people he wanted to find were quite unique in their own way, and even more recognizable, so after some time of rather painstaking search and questioning, he arrived at where he was told they would be.

The town was somewhat small, but then again, once you spend months living in the palace of Seyruun itself, any town looks unimpressive. This one, however, stood out a little. As he walked its streets, no different from any other he has seen before, the people did not welcome him with smiles, no merchants called to him to praise their wares. On the contrary, everyone seemed to be weary, cautious, almost distrustful. Normally Zelgadis would have sworn it was either his appearance, or the hood and veil he wore to conceal it, but during the course of his many travels he learned that people usually were more friendly towards him than he expected them to be. Not in this case, though.

Trying to avoid their drilling gazes and silence out his uneasiness, he hurried off to look for his friends. When he did not find them in the inns, meaning they must have already gorged themselves on local cuisine, he directed himself to the broad, white building that seemed to tower over everything else even though it was not really that much taller. It radiated a certain aura which was bright only thanks to the colour of its walls, and there was no mistaking that it had to be the local mage guild. It was quite commendable how many of these Rezo help fund, even in small settlements such as this, and there were high chances this guild was also existing only thanks to him.

As Zelgadis made his way through the halls of the guild, he was met with even more distrustful stares. But this time he was at least certain what caused them, since sorcerers were very likely to recognize him for what he really was even despite the veil. While his blow demon part was not that obvious to others, the stone of his skin and unnervingly shining pebbles on it could hardly go unnoticed. And since two thirds of him were beings of magic, wizards would have no trouble sensing them, even if they could not name them.

He was never so grateful for finding the library. It was quiet, the only sounds being the ruffle of pages as people skimmed through books in search of whatever they needed, and an occasional creek of a moved chair or wooden ladder. He made his way between the bookcases slowly, looking around, and finally all his efforts were rewarded. At one of the smaller tables by a wall he noticed the flaming red hair and black cape underneath them as Lina Inverse stooped over the tome she was reading. While hair colour and clothing was not really proof positive, the man that stood next to her was. Gourry was leaning against the wall by the desk, hands behind his head, and looking around idly as he had nothing to do in a place like this. He could read, of course; but he was no sorcerer and all he could do was wait until the girl is done.

Therefore his joy at seeing the chimera approach was no surprise. He smiled, seeing the now revealed stone face and those familiar, shining blue eyes. Lina did not notice until the newcomer spoke, his voice deep and as cheerful as it was each time they met.

“You two sure are hard to find,” he gave them a warm smile.

“Zel!” the girl beamed, turning in her chair to face him. “Fancy meeting you here!”

“It's certainly been a while,” the shaman agreed with a nod. “I'm sorry for interrupting you.”

“Oh, don't worry about that!” Lina slammed the book shut with one hand, not even turning back to it as she did so. “What brings you here?”

“There's something I wanted to talk to you two about...” he answered in a somewhat uncertain tone. He had it all planned out and prepared beforehand, but actually talking about it might have proven harder than he anticipated. “But in a more private place, if that's alright with you?”

They both nodded in response, but the sorceress noticed the hesitation to which her warrior companion was obviously oblivious, as per usual. When they walked out of the mage guild, she could not help but wonder what could have gotten Zelgadis so uncertain, so... shy, almost. And why would he not speak of it in public? The chances of anyone eavesdropping – let alone caring about what they overhear – was very slim. Either way, she did not voice those questions as she and Gourry led their chimera friend to the room they rented in an inn.

As soon as the door was closed, Lina turned to the shaman with a rather questioning gaze in her ruby eyes.

“So,” she started “what's this all about?”

The chimera seated himself on the nearest suitable piece of furniture, which proved to be a spot on the bed right next to Gourry. As the girl claimed one chair for herself, he replied: “Before I start explaining, promise me something.”

“What?” asked the swordsman.

Zelgadis peered at him sideways. “That you'll hear me through to the end, and that you won't freak out.”

“Why would we?”

He averted his gaze again. “My chimeric body isn't the only thing in me that's out of place.”

Lina cocked her head, frowning. Just what was that supposed to mean?

Her mute question was answered first with a sigh, then with words. “I am... partly female,” the shaman admitted, not returning her gaze, feeling his stone cheeks heat up in a blush. Knowing the sorceress, he could expect exactly any reaction to that statement, and some of them he feared.

The first reaction, however, was silence, so thick it was almost tangible. The girl tried to digest what she just heard, peering sideways at the warrior whose blank stare only confirmed he does not understand what that meant, even though the thoughtful shine in his eyes proved he is at least trying to comprehend. Lina then looked back at Zelgadis, who still was carefully averting his gaze.

“For real?” she asked.

“Yes, for real,” he huffed, obviously embarrassed by both their reactions. Especially that Gourry knew of this. He was just unable to link the facts together.

“Okay,” she scratched her head, not really sure how to go on about this. “So why are you telling us this?”

The chimera heaved a very heavy, drawn-out sigh to try and calm himself down again. “Because I wanted to ask you two a favour,” he finally said. Oh boy, was this about to go wrong...

“Us?” Lina blinked. “About you, um...”

He was certain his blush deepened even further, somewhat responding to the girl's confusion and embarrassment. After another moment dedicated to pulling himself together, he carefully formed the words in his mind and forced them to come out, and managed to say: “I want a child.”

The sorceress was lucky she managed to grip the table next to which he was sitting, otherwise she would probably fall to the floor. The words, for some reason, hit her like an anvil on the head. Her thoughts strung themselves together immediately, forming the only conclusion she thought plausible. Pulling herself back up onto the chair, she moved her gaze quickly from Zelgadis to Gourry as she struggled to wrap her mind around it.

“Weren't you with Amelia?” the swordsman asked in a very curious, genuinely clueless tone.

“It wouldn't work,” the shaman said, trying to cut the conversation short. The last thing he wanted right now was having to explain exactly what was the matter, let alone just why he meant bearing children instead of siring them.

Lina coughed, clearing her throat. “So... why the two of us?”

“You're the only ones I'd trust with this...” he sighed yet again. Then, he looked directly at the blond, but then moved his eyes back at the sorceress, remembering she will be the greater problem in this. “Lina... please try not to kill me for what I'm about to say. Though you probably already figured out what it's going to be...”

The girl gulped audibly. Indeed she had an idea, and she was not sure what to think of it. “Uhm, yes...?”

The chimera's blue eyes again met the other man's puzzled gaze. “Gourry... would you, um... father my child...?”

The overwhelming silence fell again, engulfing all three of them. For a longer moment Zelgadis felt like an idiot for asking that questions, and what little hope he had shattered, his heart sinking. He had no idea how much time has passed before he noticed the swordsman looking at Lina, meeting her ruby eyes in a mute question.

“Wh... what?” she managed, not really understanding what he wanted from her. It was usually pretty difficult to make out what was going on in Gourry's head between all the cobwebs.

“Are you alright with that?” he asked, his voice betraying nothing but sincerity.

Lina could not stop herself from blushing, but she was not sure whether it was because she was considered involved or because of the topic in general. But then again, she was involved, right? “Oh, um... and you are?”

“Yes,” the blond nodded, seemingly surprised that she thought he might have something against it. “Zelgadis is a friend, right? I should help him.”

For a moment there the other two were wondering if he is aware what fathering children actually meant, and what he would have to do in order to achieve that. But that question hung in the thick air unanswered; instead, the sorceress only nodded, giving her silent permission for this to continue.

Zelgadis smiled, his own cheeks still heated up, and managed to stop himself from kneeling before the girl in appreciation. “Thank you...” he said, the words a little distorted as his heart struggled to catch up with his excitement. “Both of you... I'll make this up to you, I swear...”

 

But making up would have to wait. They rearranged their inn reservations, having to pay for the chimera staying in one of their rented rooms. But that was hardly an issue since an adequate sum of money fixed it in no time. Zelgadis decided he wants to retire early, possibly because all the adrenaline from before let go and he finally began to feel somewhat tired... or perhaps he simply wished to get to it as soon as possible. It was shortly before sunset that Gourry joined him in the plain, bare room.

The shaman was awaiting him on the bed, having little to do in that place, most of his equipment already set aside. His cloak was hung over a chair and the sword rested nearby, leaned against the wall. Zelgadis sat up with a soft, shy smile as his friend came in and approached him.

Gourry had always been very attractive to him; tall, strong, with those shining, sparkling blue eyes. He returned the chimera's smile as he sat down next to him. He was not wearing his armour nor his sword, meaning he probably left them with Lina.

“So, um...” Zelgadis tried to begin, feeling his cheeks heat up and certain it was a blush. He blushed a lot, and did not really like it. “You know what to do... right?”

The other frowned slightly, almost as if insulted by the assumption he might not know. But then again, he was well aware of his shortcomings when it came to memory and logic, and did not comment on that assumption. Instead, he nodded, and put a hand on his friend's cheek. When the stone skin really did redden with a shy blush, he pulled him closer, and their lips met.

The kiss was gentle and actually nowhere near the passion and sweetness one would hear about in ballads. But it did draw them somewhat closer to each other, so that their bodies touched, and Gourry was quite surprised to realize the lips he was tasting were much softer than stone. He tried to deepen it gently, pressing his tongue into Zelgadis' mouth. He had no trouble as the chimera let him in eagerly, and allowed himself a small moan as the strong, rough hands began undressing him, slowly revealing the stone and all the shining, smooth pebbles on it.

The swordsman, however, would not let him do the same, instead pushing him down onto the bed. The shaman looked at him with some disappointment in his eyes, but laid back, letting him lead as he pleased. That approval was met with gentle kisses on his neck and he sighed, starting to relax under the not-so-inexperienced caresses. Zelgadis moaned again, trying to keep it quiet, as the strong hands wandered over his chest and sides, making him shiver. He was well aware that he reacted like a woman would, and did not really mind it, since that was what he was and he did not try to fight it.

Gourry paused for a moment when he reached the other's crotch, but not because of surprise. Even with his bad memory, he knew he has seen it before, all those times they shared a room or bathed together. He looked up at the stone face, seeking confirmation if this was alright. When he received a nod in response to the mute question, he spread the chimera's legs and slowly licked over the female parts. He never actually had a man before, and was not sure how he would take one, but with Zelgadis it was fine.

The other let out a quiet whimper as he felt the tongue. It has been far, far too long since anyone touched him there in any way. Gradually, as the swordsman pressed harder, his control over his reactions waned and he became quite vocal, moaning louder than he would want.

After a disappointingly short while – or perhaps it only seemed that way – Gourry withdrew, smiling up at his friend. The shaman sat up immediately and wrapped his hands around him, pressing their lips together again. He tasted himself on them, what only prompted another moan, and he decided to take the lead for a moment. He started undressing the blond, this time without resistance, and tossed the clothes casually onto the floor, one by one.

A stone hand then travelled to the other man's already half-erect penis, wrapping itself around it. It felt soft, much different to what Zelgadis was used to when he pleased himself, as he feared to let others do it to him after Zolf's demise. He moved his hand slowly, gently squeezing the shaft from time to time and delighting in the quiet gasps that earned him. He allowed himself a few kissed on the muscled chest, wishing his own strength came from that and not his condition.

Gradually, as his kisses moved lower, he pushed Gourry down onto his back with his free hand. The warrior did not protest, knowing where this was going and allowing it to happen. A rather rough but warm tongue flipped against the tip of his erection, and he smiled in a very encouraging manner, wanting more. And more he received as the tongue was moved along the shaft, around it, then back over the tip. Zelgadis obviously knew how to do this, which was really no surprising since he knew what a man might want most. Finally, after a moment, he wrapped his lips around the tip.

Gourry was panting by then; he moved a hand to the other's hair to run it through them, show him how good it feels, but a stone hand stopped him with its golem strength. The shaman did not want him getting hurt on the wires that pretended to be his hairdo, but to compensate for that interruption, his moved his head lower, taking more of the erection in. He blushed even deeper when the other's loud reactions proved just how much he was enjoying it, and he tried to do his best with moving his head and his tongue at the same time.

Suddenly the swordsman pushed him away with a loud groan. He did not protest, pulling back and licking his lips, mostly to tease the other man further. The chimera was then pulled up for a deep kiss and responded to it very eagerly. While he never really considered having sex with Gourry, he was enjoying it, and they were only just getting to the best part. Having broken the long kiss, he laid back on the bed, spreading his legs in a gesture of invitation. Fortunately, with all the brains he was lacking, the warrior knew exactly what was expected of him; perhaps it was instinct.

And he was not half bad with it. Zelgadis let out a soft whimper as he was penetrated, the sensation painful at first, and very painful at that, but it quickly began to subside as Gourry moved inside him, giving way to something much more pleasurable and no less intense. The shaman held his lover close, burying his stone face in the muscled shoulder to try and silence out the loud, feminine moans and mewls he could not hold back. He soon found himself shivering and twitching, the hardness in him thick enough to rub against all his special spots with each move. The swordsman, too, was gradually giving in to the overwhelming bliss as his actions grew faster and harder, and the other again did not protest.

They completely lost track of time, but finally, after too short a while, the chimera cried out, unable to silence himself. He came over himself, twitching violently against the other man, his inner muscles tightening around him and forcing an orgasm out of him as well. For a moment there was no world around them, but that seemed like but a fraction of a second. Then, they simply laid there, tangled and panting heavily.

Zelgadis smiled and whispered into the swordsman's ear: “Thank you...”

Gourry gave him that cheerful, honest smile of his. “You're welcome!”

The shaman laughed heartily at that, for the first time in a long while feeling light, as if all his problems just went away. They were still there, of course, but right at this point he could not care. He kissed his lips deeply, hoping that a new life would begin in him.

If not, they could always try again.


End file.
